Navigating Shame and the Challenge of Asking for What We Need
Shame is one of the most complex and painful emotions we encounter as counselors. It’s a feeling that cuts to the core of a person’s sense of self, whispering (or shouting) that they are not enough. For clients who have experienced trauma, shame often becomes a persistent companion, shaping how they see themselves, their relationships, and their ability to ask for what they need.
As counselors, we often witness the ripple effects of shame in our clients’ lives. It can make it nearly impossible for them to articulate their needs, even when surrounded by loving, supportive people who are desperate to help. This dynamic is not only frustrating for clients but also for their partners, family members, and friends. Understanding the role shame plays in this process is essential for helping clients move forward.
“Shame is one of the most complex and painful emotions we encounter as counselors. It’s a feeling that cuts to the core of a person’s sense of self, whispering (or shouting) that they are not enough.”
The Relational Struggle of Shame
One of the most heartbreaking dynamics I’ve seen in counseling is when a client’s loved ones—partners, parents, friends—are eager to help but don’t know how. They ask, “What do you need? How can I help you?” with genuine care and concern. And yet, the client, caught in the grip of shame, struggles to answer. They may not know what they need, or they may feel unworthy of asking for it. Even when they do try to articulate their needs, shame can distort their communication, making it difficult for others to understand or respond effectively.
This is not a failure of the client or their support system. It’s a reflection of how shame operates. Shame doesn’t just tell us that we’re not enough—it also convinces us that our needs are too much, that we’re a burden, or that we don’t deserve care. When clients are in a shame state, their ability to identify and communicate their needs is often filtered through this painful lens.
Why Clients Struggle to Articulate Their Needs
When clients come to counseling, they often know that something feels wrong. They may say, “I don’t like how I feel,” or “I know something needs to change.” But identifying exactly what they need or how to move forward can feel impossible. This is especially true for clients experiencing shame, as the emotion itself creates barriers to self-awareness and self-advocacy.
Here’s why this happens:
Shame Clouds Self-Perception: Shame convinces clients that their feelings, needs, and desires are invalid or unworthy. This makes it difficult for them to trust their own instincts or articulate what they need.
Shame Filters Communication: Even when clients try to express their needs, shame can distort their words. They may downplay their needs, contradict themselves, or struggle to communicate clearly, leaving their loved ones confused or unsure how to help.
Shame Creates Fear of Rejection: Asking for what we need requires vulnerability. For clients in a shame state, this vulnerability can feel unbearable. They may fear that expressing their needs will lead to rejection, judgment, or disappointment.
Shame Disconnects Clients from Their Bodies: Trauma and shame often create a disconnection from the body, making it difficult for clients to identify what they’re feeling or what they need in the moment.
“Shame doesn’t just tell us that we’re not enough—it also convinces us that our needs are too much, that we’re a burden, or that we don’t deserve care.”
The Counselor’s Role: Helping Clients Navigate Shame
As counselors, we have a unique opportunity to help clients untangle the web of shame and begin to identify their needs. This process requires patience, compassion, and a willingness to meet clients where they are. Here are some key considerations for working with clients who are struggling to articulate their needs:
1. Start with What Feels Wrong
When clients can’t articulate what they need, start by exploring what feels wrong. This might involve asking questions like:
“What feels uncomfortable or not okay right now?”
“What’s the hardest part of this for you?”
“If you could change one thing about this situation, what would it be?”
By focusing on what feels wrong, you can help clients begin to identify the areas of their life that need attention, even if they can’t yet articulate specific goals or solutions.
2. Differentiate Between What’s Controllable and What’s Not
Shame often makes clients feel powerless, as if everything is out of their control. Helping clients distinguish between what they can and cannot control can be incredibly empowering. For example:
What aspects of this situation are within your control?
What parts of this are bigger than you—things you can’t change or erase?
How can we focus on the areas where you do have agency?
This process can help clients feel less overwhelmed and more grounded in their ability to take small, meaningful steps forward.
3. Normalize the Difficulty of Asking for Help
Clients often feel ashamed of their inability to articulate their needs, which only compounds the problem. Normalize this experience by acknowledging how difficult it can be to ask for help, especially when shame is involved. You might say:
“It’s really hard to ask for what we need when we’re feeling shame. You’re not alone in this.”
“It’s okay if you don’t know what you need right now. We can figure it out together.”
By normalizing their struggle, you create a safe space for clients to explore their feelings without judgment.
4. Introduce the Concept of Healthy Boundaries
Shame can make it difficult for clients to set boundaries or communicate their needs effectively. Helping clients understand and practice healthy boundaries can be a powerful step in their healing process. This might involve:
Teaching clients to recognize their own limits and communicate them to others.
Exploring how shame has influenced their boundaries in the past.
Practicing small, manageable steps toward setting and maintaining boundaries.
5. Focus on Building Self-Compassion
Shame thrives in the absence of self-compassion. Helping clients develop a kinder, more compassionate relationship with themselves can reduce the power of shame and make it easier for them to identify and express their needs. This might involve:
Encouraging clients to speak to themselves as they would a friend.
Practicing mindfulness or self-compassion exercises.
Challenging negative self-talk and replacing it with more supportive language.
A Crucial Caveat: Building Resources Before Diving Into Shame
Before diving deeply into shame work, it’s essential to ensure that clients have the resources and skills to tolerate and navigate the emotions that may surface. Exploring shame can be an intense and overwhelming process, and without the tools to manage it, clients may feel retraumatized or stuck in a shame spiral.
As counselors, we need to feel confident in our ability to help clients “come back up” after exploring the depths of shame. This means equipping clients with grounding techniques, emotional regulation skills, and a strong therapeutic alliance before delving into the heart of their shame. If we don’t feel confident in our ability to help clients return to a place of safety—or if clients don’t yet have the tools to do this themselves—it’s important to proceed with caution.
This topic deserves a deeper dive, and I’ll explore it more fully in a future post. For now, the key takeaway is this: before we ask clients to explore what feels wrong or dive into the roots of their shame, we must first ensure they have the resources to withstand and tolerate what they’re experiencing. Only then can we safely and effectively help them navigate the depths of their emotions.
“Before diving deeply into shame work, it’s essential to ensure that clients have the resources and skills to tolerate and navigate the emotions that may surface.”
Final Thoughts: Patience, Compassion, and the Power of Small Steps
Shame is a brutal and deeply isolating emotion, but it’s not insurmountable. As counselors, we have the privilege of walking alongside our clients as they navigate this challenging terrain. By normalizing their struggles, helping them identify what feels wrong, and supporting them in taking small, intentional steps, we can create a path toward healing and self-discovery.
For clients, the journey out of shame begins with one simple truth: you are worthy of care, even when it’s hard to ask for it. And for counselors, the work begins with patience, compassion, and the belief that even the smallest steps can lead to profound change.